The beginning of a new year is usually a time that most of us set goals.  We decide what we want to accomplish.  We decide what changes need to be made. We set our course.  I think these things are good, but it’s so important to remember before we forge ahead.  I’ve often heard the quote that if we forget our history, we are destined to repeat it.

Everyone needs to take time to stop and remember.

Humans are such interesting creatures.  How often do we forget the lessons we’ve learned?  We forget the challenges we’ve overcome.  We forget the daily battles that we’ve faced and endured.  We seem to only remember those huge, life-changing  or highly emotional events.    Even when we remember these events, our memories are often distorted.

Here’s a story explaining what I mean.

Earlier this year, my husband and I were having a conversation via text while he was out of town.  After reading his message, I was hurt by something he shared with me.  For some time, I allowed that hurt to fester in my heart until finally, months later, I realized that I needed to confess my anger with him.  We needed to talk about this issue.  As we discussed, I shared my memory of what the text said.  He shared his memory of what the text said.  I went back and read the actual text.  He was right.  I was wrong.

I was almost shocked when I realized that I  didn’t remember the text correctly.  I remembered my interpretation of the text.  I remembered how I felt.  Over time, that text message, had changed into something totally different.  It was only when we came together and remembered, that I realized the truth.

My memory of that text affected how I felt and reacted to my husband–even though the memory wasn’t accurate!  Crazy, huh?

The book, The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Payne Bryson, talks about this.  The way we feel when the memory was made and when we retrieve the memory affects the memory itself.  The authors of this book also talk about the importance of memories.  Memories of past experiences cause us to form expectations about life.  They can also affect our emotions, as indicated in my story.  And when our memories are distorted, they cause us to have a distorted view of life.

Because of their limited perspective, children often have distorted memories. These memories can cause them to react in ways that don’t make sense to us.  Fear, anxiety, avoidance, and perfectionism  can all be triggered by memories. Even tantrums can be triggered by a painful memory.

Memories are there, and they affect us even when we aren’t conscious of them.  But we can make a decision to intentionally remember.

One of the things we can do as a family is to make remembering a natural part of our lives.  Make it a  part of your lifestyle to tell stories.  Tell stories about your past.  Children love it when parents tell their stories.  Listen to your children retell stories of life events.  Regularly ask your children about the highs and lows of their day.  Ask them specific questions about their day like, “Tell me something you enjoyed doing today?”  I’ve learned that, “How was your day?” doesn’t work.

It takes time to stop and remember.

When painful life events occur, take time tell the story.  Everyone will have a different perspective of the event and when everyone’s perspective is brought together, everyone get’s a clearer picture of what occurred.  We can help our children take the scattered pieces of a painful memory and put them together. This is a way we can help our children see the truth about life.

The sound you heard outside wasn’t a monster, it was a tree brushing against the house.  

You didn’t get sick because you ate chicken, you had a stomach virus.  

Dad left without saying goodbye because he didn’t want to wake you, not because he doesn’t love you.

The teacher didn’t know you have trouble with reading. She doesn’t hate you.

Just because you missed all of the subtraction problems on your last assignment, doesn’t mean it’s impossible for you to do subtraction.

These are the kind of conversations parents need to start with their children to help them understand the truth about their memories.

I encourage you to set aside time for yourself to remember 2013.  Don’t rush it.  You may even do this over the course of many days. What happened in 2013?  Remember the good, the bad, and the mundane.  Remember the failures and the successes.  Remember friends who have supported you, and friends you’ve been able to support.  Remember small victories. Remember the lessons you’ve learned. Remember those unexplained and unexpected blessings. Remember those moments of utter despair.

You’ve made it to a new year!

Remember how you made it here. Remember with your family. Remember with a friend.

Best wishes for a spectacular 2014!