Finances are hard for us.
It’s hard to admit this when you live among people who have so much.
But there are days when our cupboards are almost bare and our frig is almost empty. There are days when I feel like Jesus feeding the 5000 on 2 fish and 5 loaves. Trying to make sure my family has enough food to eat is a full time job. Forget about organic. Forget about non-GMO or grass-fed. I just need to keep these kids fed. Sometimes it takes a ton of creativity to accomplish this feat–especially on the days leading up to the next pay day.
Can I be very vulnerable with you here?
There are so many times when I can’t give my children basic, essential things. There are times when they need new socks or underwear, or deodorant or a book for school and don’t have the money, nor do I have any idea of when I might have the money.
There are times when $10 might as well be a million because I have NO money. I’ll admit. I do get tired of living this way. It’s frustrating and often even heartbreaking.
It’s so hard to tell your children that you don’t have the money ALL OF THE TIME. As a mom, it’s even harder seeing them struggle, when their friends aren’t struggling. It’s hard when minor issues are a crisis, because it stops your world.
I’m taking a big risk sharing this.
I’m sharing this because I know someone needs to know that they aren’t alone. It can feel so lonely when everyone else seems to have it all together. It’s so embarrassing to admit your financial failures.
And especially when you chosen the road we’ve chosen in homeschooling our children. To admit that things are hard is to say that homeschooling should be out of the question, right?
The obvious answer to our problems seem glaringly simple:
Put the kids in school and get a job!
Believe me when I say that I often contemplated this simple and obvious solution. Yet, my husband and I always come to the same conclusion.
Our children are flourishing.
Our family is flourishing.
We are confident that we are right where we need to be.
So much good is happening. I love what I’m able to give my children.
My husband and I are both convinced that we are called to serve the people that we serve even though we don’t make enough for our family. Believe me, I’ve considered going back to work full-time MANY, MANY times, but I keep hearing the Father’s call to keep doing this good work.
Here’s what makes finances hard for me personally:
I know how blessed we are. I know that we are extremely rich compared to most of the world. I know that life could be MUCH, MUCH harder financially. And it just feels wrong to admit how hard it is. We have so much!
And yet it’s not enough to meet our needs.
How do I live among those who have so much, serve those who have so little and live under the strain of our own financial pressures?
Life doesn’t always come with nice, neat little answers, does it? Sometimes we have to live in that hard, uncomfortable place and find peace in Jesus alone. Perhaps there really is no answer to “fix” the hard.
That’s hard to accept when it comes to finances especially, because finances seem like something that can be easily controlled and fixed. The answers seem simple, even if they cannot be easily executed.
That’s why there’s so much guilt associated with financial failures. That ‘s why it’s so embarrassing to admit. To admit financial hardship is to admit my inability to manage and produce income.
Or it could mean that I’m too lazy to work.
But maybe, just maybe, it could be that we’re right where we need to be. Maybe this hardship was uniquely chosen by God to supply what is lacking in our faith. Maybe living under this strain allows me to better identify with a mom in Africa who lives with the daily heartbreak of not being able to send her children to school.
I don’t know about you, but I thought that if I went to God for direction, he wouldn’t lead me into a place that looked like failure or suffering. I totally get suffering or persecution for the gospel or maybe suffering as a missionary.
But what about ordinary people being led into hard places by God? Places that we could avoid if we choose too.
When God directs us into these hard places, he always goes with us. He’s in those valleys with shadows and death all around us. He’s with us on those stormy seas, as we fight to survive. He will silence the wind and the waves when he’s ready. In the meantime, he wants us to find our contentment in knowing that He’s with us.
That doesn’t mean we won’t shed some tears. That doesn’t mean we won’t ever become angry and overwhelmed with the barage of needs that threatened to capsize our little boat. It doesn’t mean we don’t become weary with the constant financial pressures.
Today I’ve found myself overwhelmed with all of unmet needs of my children. I can’t do it.
But my Father can.
He’s done it in the past, and He’ll do it again.
My eyes look to you, Oh God. Amen.
Thank you for sharing this. In our home I see that the sanctifying force God uses the most is our profoundly disabled son. I love that you shared that God is using financial hardships to sanctify your family. Many times I see people that won’t lean into what God has for them and instead they become bitter. God is good and He has a plan that will make us more like Jesus but that plan requires a sacrifice on our part because we must die to ourselves. I love you, sister! Thank you for blessing my life with your wisdom and encouragement!
Heather, thank you for your wonderfully kind words.
As you know, surrender to our loving God is always always always good, but it isn’t natural or easy. It’s certainly NOT my first response. :-)This is especially hard in a culture where it is considered wise to “fix” the hard. I’m sure your family has discovered and continue to discover the grace of God in ways you never imagined because of your precious son. What a gift!
Alecia – I have been in your exact same shoes and to this day survive by the skin of my teeth. It was feed the kids or pay the bills – or be very choosy with what bills to pay. I worked 2 jobs, was a guinea pig, “donated” plasma for many, many years (about 10) on top of dealing with a manic depressive/bi polar family member the entire time. I am not gonna lie – it was during that period I pretty much lost faith in God – I mean all I was trying to do was give the kids a stable, secure household while at the same time be involved with all their school activities as well as do well at my jobs and just felt completely abandoned. I received absolutely zero help from my “family”. I was on my own….but I truly was not even though I had very little faith God still did provide: I had a job that allowed my EXTREME flexibility – I was able to come in super early to get my backups started and then leave to get each child to their respective schools as well as pick them up; I never missed a school performance or athletic activity; somehow I always managed to have food for the kids and was always able to rent in a good area even though my credit was completely shot. He granted me the strength to survive on 3-4 hrs of sleep and still be able to function. I still get frustrated at times now because I should be able to have a cushion but when other family members get knocked down I am the per$on they go to but it is what it is.
While I was always able to attend the school functions and will say 2 jobs left me very little time to spend with them otherwise; we didn’t go on vacations, the movies, fairs etc etc and I always felt bad like you that I was unable to give them anything extra. I was always embarrassed when I did manage to get them to a festival I could only afford one turkey leg they had to share; but I was so very lucky that God’s hand was on these 3 amazing kids who NEVER complained the entire time they were in my care, they never asked for anything and they were always happy whenever we did get to do anything – even just go to the park. Heck – I never even knew Andrea and David hated Ranch Style beans until they were like 26/27!! Poor babies just ate them every time I served them – and that was a LOT.
And I am so happy you mentioned how difficult it is to live under financial burden when you live among others who have so much…at times I feel more than their fair share lol. I JUST had that conversation with God THIS WEEK! So THANK YOU!!
I am sorry to go on and on but reading your blog just brought back so many painful, disappointing memories of how not being able to “properly” provide for the kids made me feel like such a failure. But let me tell you this and I hope it will bring you some peace: My kids would have gladly, happily, contentedly accepting and empty fridge, old clothes, no name brand shoes (which they had all of this) for the stable, loving, faithful household you and Ed provide for you children. So while the bellies may be grumbling and clothing may be worn; trust me you guys are filling those kids up with so much faith and love they lack for nothing.
And I speak from experience when I say if you guys can manage albeit very, very tightly with you being at home that is exactly where you need to be. I struggled to make ends meet and in the end I never did and it was at the expense of being there for the kids at very critical growing points in their lives and now they are suffering the consequences of my “sacrifices”. It would have been better for them if I had just made it work with one job.
And here is a survival tip: all you need to have in your house to get creative with meals are eggs, bread/tortillas, cheese, potatoes, beans, pasta.
Hang in there girl, you guys are doing better than you think ☺
Esther,
Thank you for sharing so honestly about your own struggles and for your kind and encouraging words.
Ed and I have no doubt that our children are blessed far more than they realize from the sacrifices that we’ve made to have me home. If we didn’t wholeheartedly believe this, we wouldn’t continue down this path. We have a beautiful family that is full of love. We are FAR from perfect, but we love each other and have really wonderful relationships.
Though there is so much that Ed and I cannot give our children, we have been surrounded with wonderful, wonderful friends that give our children experiences that we cannot. Friends that take our children on trips, take them to concerts, and invite them over for sleepovers. Family who send money to support the kids’ athletic endeavors. Amazing coaches, and teachers who pour into my children–at no cost to us. We’ve been placed in this wonderful, wonderful community of people who LOVE us. It’s pretty amazing! We KNOW we cannot do this on our own, so Ed and I are continually crying out to our Father for His help.
We’ve experienced so many miracles in response to our prayers. Clients who have come at just the right time. Job opportunities that have literally been handed to me. Large sums of money given anonymously to us. We’ve even been given 2 vehicles. One year, many years ago, we experienced 12 days of christmas from a secret Santa. Another year, a small group adopted our family and showered our family with gifts.
It’s been extremely humbling and yet such a blessing. We’ve had to learn to get over ourselves and ask for help.
At the same time, we’ve always had a heart to reach out to others in need. I believe that is why we’ve been so blessed. As we give (not expecting anything in return), we have always been blessed. The greatest blessing is allowing God’s love to be poured out through us. It’s amazing!
But… it has still been hard. Hard but good.
BTW, girl I know how to keep these children fed. No one ever goes without a meal here! 🙂 Thanks for the tips!
THANK YOU for sharing this!!! I feel like this all of the time and feel like we are the only ones! It is a very lonely feeling to have financial burdens and not talk about then became of shame/fear/embarrassment, etc. We too have made life choices that we KNOW were led by our Father that put us in serious financial hardship. But I KNOW He sent us here… And will be beside us to the end. But there is such a real fear when you have to juggle bills, feel sadness and shame when Christmas is dollar store trinkets, collection calls, selling items that are special to you for $ to buy groceries and say NO all the time to extra outings and things it seems like others do all the time.
These hardships are probably more common than we know because we hide it from others out of shame or fear. But we KNOW that fear is not of God and we can either press into Him or look away and allow bitterness, anger, shame, doubt lead us. THANK YOU for your courage and leadership. And reminder that HE IS IN CONTROL, praise God… And He won’t lead us anywhere where He won’t take us through!!!
Jane, I believe you are right in saying that these hardships are probably more common that we realize because it’s not something we want others to know. I’m on the prayer team at my church and I’ve prayed with MANY people in this situation. And as I’ve openly shared this struggle, people are coming out of the woodwork saying, “me too!” I’m hearing this collective sigh of relief.
I pray that your family experiences the amazing peace, joy and rest that only the presence of the Living God can bring. Of course we both know that Christmas doesn’t come from a store, but from experiencing Immanuel–and we can do that whether we have a million dollars or zero. Just remind yourself of that often. Our kids need Jesus FAR MORE than they need more stuff. That’s THE best gift! And yet… like any good parent, we love giving our children good gifts. So I pray that our compassionate, and loving Father will give you the desire of your heart–the ability to provide good gifts for your children. He’s able to give us His presence AND give us our heart’s desires!